why fruit pisses me off.

Ok.  I want to know why people flip out over fruit so much.  Has anyone else noticed that people go CRAZY when fruit is mentioned anywhere?  You know what I think it is?  People freak out because they think they’re *supposed* to like fruit because apparently it’s healthy for you AND IT TASTES GOOD TOO OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE THE PERFECT FOOD RAHHHHHH!

I think it tastes like shit.  Not that I’ve ever tasted shit but that is just a saying and you really should not take my words so literally.  I like peaches and figs in their raw form (they taste like syrup and are fun to pull off the tree) and that is about it.*  When people have fruit plates at their parties, I want to punch them.  When someone gets a fruit basket at work (this always happens around the holidays, which leads me to the question, why do holidays = fruit?), I think to myself, “You poor bastard.  You have to sit there and eat all that fruit instead of delicious things like pie and ice cream, just because someone sent it to you.  If I were you, I’d be PISSED.  At least you got a basket out of the deal.  If you don’t want it, I’ll take it cause I can always use more baskets.  Ok fine, don’t get touchy.  Keep your stupid basket.  It had fruit in it so it’s tainted now anyways.  Jerk.”

You know, I think I’d be ok with the whole fruit thing if people were not so pointedly arrogant about how good it is for you and how it tastes so good too and blah blee blah blah blah.  When someone says, for instance, “Oh, I usually just eat a piece of fruit for dessert because it’s so sweet and good!”  I say back to them, “You are an idiot.  Fruit is like, the worst substitution ever for dessert.  Do you even know what dessert is?  It’s delicious and sugary and one of the best things in life, and you are committing SACRILEGE by even pretending that fruit can come anywhere close to dessert.  YOU DISGUST ME.”

I have no problem with fruit products, such as jam, or, like I mentioned earlier, pies that have fruit in them.  If fruit tasted like this all the time, I would be its best friend.  We would skip off down a dirt road together in the summer and go have a picnic under a large oak tree.  We’d make little flower chains and braid each other’s hair (but my hair is not long enough, so we wouldn’t do that part).  Also, one of my favorite things in all of life is made from fruit, and it is WINE.  GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS WINE, NECTAR OF THE GODS, OH HOW I LOVE IT SO, PRAISE JESUS MARY JOSEPH AND ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN AND LET’S NOT FORGET THE SHEEP TOO.  AHHHHH-MEEEEEEEEEN.

So the moral of today’s story is that the next time someone says hey do you want a piece of fruit for dessert, you should hear this word in your head: BLASPHEMY.  And then you take the fruit from them and smash it on their forehead, cause that’s what they deserve.

the end.

*I’m not including avocados in my fruit rant even though they are fruits because they obviously are superior to nasty things like apples and oranges.  Also I’m not including lemons or limes because really, who eats those raw?  NOBODY.