On Monday night, I made black bean, tomato, and quinoa salad for dinner. For those of you who don’t know what quinoa is, it is this. Supposedly, it is really healthy for you and a tasty treat as well. For some reason, I felt the need to research it (I was bored ok), and on one website they even call it the “Supergrain of the Future.” That is a bold claim, friends, and I was pretty damn excited to see what quinoa could do for me. I thought to myself, hey self, maybe after you eat this, you will be able to run faster, jump higher, and do more than one girl push-up on any given day.
“Supergrain” my ass. Apparently I did not cook it correctly, or else it just sucks. I’m going to go with the “it just sucks” theory. That shit blew up inside of me like an atomic bomb. I was laying on the couch for hours, moaning and groaning and cursing and threatening to burn any field of quinoa I ever came across. I can’t believe I wasted a whole avocado on it to boot.
Quinoa, YOU are on notice, not only for making my stomach feel like WWII was going on inside of it, but for destroying my hopes and dreams. Next time you think about calling yourself a “supergrain,” just remember dashing my aspirations to pieces with your nasty, grainy, empty promises of health and fame and fortune. You’ve ruined EVERYTHING.