if you don't like avocados, then you don't like life.

it’s time to face the facts. April 29, 2010

Filed under: humor — avocadoexplosion @ 9:41 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I’ve realized I have to accept it. At only 27 years of age, I’m a crazy cat lady and there’s no getting around it.

Now, I’ve been in denial for a while about this, but I just can’t run away from it anymore. Believe me, I’ve tried to take steps to remedy the situation, but there’s only so much you can do when you’re batshit crazy about your cats. I only have two of them, and I plan to keep it that way so I don’t make the problem worse…unless of course my boyfriend and I move in together at some point…then we will have three- my two, and his one. If this happens, he wants to start referring to them as our “nightmare of cats,” which seems a pretty apt moniker to me. Their litterbox is certainly going to be a nightmare to clean and pay for. “How did you guys lose all your money and end up homeless?” “Kitty litter.”

I blame this all on him anyways…when I was single, I made sure not to mention my cats too much to anyone lest they pin me as what I really am. I actually wanted to have a love life, and I realized this is impossible if people think you are too obsessed with your feline friends. But NOW, I’m with someone who is just as crazy about his cat as I am about mine. We sit around and talk about how funny they are and the weird things they do like run at the speed of light from the room for no apparent reason, and post videos like this on each other’s facebook pages:

or pictures like this:


or websites like this: http://www.catswhothrowupgrass.com/kill.php.

You get the point.

The whole i can has cheezburger bit doesn’t particularly help either. It looks like cats are becoming socially acceptable to talk about in public, and this is only feeding my addiction, people. You saw the blog post I wrote about how Buckley poops everywhere (or maybe you didn’t, in which case HERE it is). And I am appalled to say that sometimes when we go out, I have a few beers and end up mimicking her IN BARS, IN PUBLIC. She is very vocal and has a really high tiny lady voice and says things like brrrrRRRR? and frrrrp! and Gatsby, my other cat, says things like wAAAAAooooOOOOOw, and it is really fun to make those noises when you are tipsy or even completely sober.  A little TOO fun.

I have so many cat stories it’s deplorable. I make myself sick just thinking about it. I guess it’s like when people have kids and they can’t stop saying things on facebook like “Little Johnny just went to the doctor for his first checkup! He is 8.34895234098757 pounds and is eating pureed carrots and is a very healthy boy albeit the fact that he is turning quite orange!* We are so thankful for this wonderful blessing in our lives!” You know what? I’m not thankful for it, AT ALL, because you’re littering my facebook page with baby information that I don’t want to see, EVER.* Then again, I guess you don’t want to see pictures of my cats spooning on the couch or hear about how Buckley is poop-obsessed, but I could care less. I WILL DO WHAT I WANT AND YOU WILL LIKE IT.

Facehole sucks anyways. I’m pretty sure nobody ever has anything to say on it except things about their babies and LOL I WAS SO DRUNK THE OTHER NIGHT!!!!! SHOUT OUT TO MY GIRLZ MISTY AND CRYSTAL AND AMBER LOLLLLLLLZZZZZ!!!!!!! LUV U GIRRRRRRLLLLLZ!!!!!! Is that what people say on facehole? I just made that up just now on the spot. Wow I am good at writing dialogue, I should probably write screenplays for a living.

*Note: I actually turned an orangish hue when I was a baby because my mom fed me too many carrots and sweet potatoes. I haven’t heard of this happening to anyone else except Jessica Simpson:

aghhhhhh why am i so orange?!?!?!?! is it because i ate too many carrots?!?!?!?!

*Note: I only mind status updates about people’s kids- I do not mind pictures of my friends’ babies, mostly because I’m a pretty visual person and I like pictures of almost anything except for toenail fungus and dead zebras. If you post either of those, you can be sure I will have something bad to say about it. You will probably have a blog post written about you, come to think of it. How did this post about cats end up being about facehole and babies too? How did this note and post get to be so long? Ah, life and its little mysteries…I don’t understand them, I just write about them.

Here are two pictures of Buckley, shamelessly posted for your viewing pleasure:

I see that you want to use your sink, and I DON'T CARE!

Buckley has her glamour shots taken at the mall.


4 Responses to “it’s time to face the facts.”

  1. melissa Says:

    no cats = no life
    penultimate emptiness, devoid of all that is light and dark and love

  2. Pauline Says:

    You have such beautiful kitties!
    I love my cats and whip out their pictures at bars. If people are going to insist that they show me pictures of their kids covered in their own goo, I can show them photos of my crazy cats! ;)

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