OH HAY…AGAIN. IT’S ME. DID YOU THINK I DIED? I DIDN’T OK. BUT THIS ZEBRA DEFINITELY DID.
I realize it has been a month since I last posted, so maybe you thought I was mauled by a bear, or that I got the consumption and have been coughing up blood and dying in a really dramatic way and sighing a lot with the back of my hand pressed against my forehead, or that a piano was dropped on me from a great height, or that the cats had decided I wasn’t feeding them enough and turned on me in my sleep with their little pointy claws and teeth. DO NOT WORRY I TELL YOU. None of this has happened to me.
I have been trying (really hard) to get used to this new busy lifestyle that I seem to have now. I think I almost have acclimated (almost? I hope?) but I cannot be sure. I do know that these things have happened lately to me:
1. I bought a new backpack for my laptop so that one shoulder doesn’t feel like it’s going to fall off of me (I had a laptop bag with a shoulder strap before the backpack). My backpack is green and is made by Swiss Army and it took a really long time to look for it and I feel like I’m in high school when I wear it, but at least it does not look like this, which is my real high school backpack:
Now that’s some dorky shit. Did you know that I refused to put a middle initial between the S and the P because in middle school, my first and last name initials were SP, and that was ALSO GET THIS THE INITIALS OF THE SMASHING PUMPKINS OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. And did you also know that those patches say “Love is real, not fade away” and “VW” and “Keep on truckin'”? That last one was stitched onto the back pocket of my jeans in the 10th grade, and it/my right butt cheek was poked and/or groped when I was making my way through a crowd at a Pearl Jam concert. That is the truth and I am here to tell it to you.
2. I had a birthday, which means I am 28, which means I am close to 30, which means…OLD I FEEL OLD GAHHHHHHH.
3. I have been editing a lot of documents for publication in British journals, so I now think that “humour” and “behaviour” and “favour” are the only way to spell all of these now instead of how we spell them in Amurica.
4. I ate a lot of ice cream in the past week.
5. I tried to start running again because I ate a lot of ice cream. This is a joke because I always start running and then I get bored with it after like a week. BUT THIS TIME IT’S FOR REAL. EXCEPT THAT THE FACT THAT I SAID THAT AND MY AWFUL TRACK RECORD (GET IT TRACK RECORD…LIKE A TRACK…FOR RUNNING…NEVERMIND) MAKES ME LAUGH REAL HARD CAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE I WILL STOP IN A WEEK FROM NOW. I’M GONNA STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS NOW OK.
6. I tried to start a lot of blog posts, but they all failed miserably because I didn’t have the brain energy to finish them.
7. I drank some Nyquil one night so I could get to sleep and I felt like I was going to die the next day, which of course (unfortunately) makes me call it Diequil now.
8. I really did spend probably $250 on plants yes plants in the past two weeks, and now my porch is completely full to the top of plants but you know what that’s ok because
9. I am moving to a house in August and the landlady said PLANT WHATEVER YOU WANT OK and I said OK YOU WILL BE SORRY YOU SAID THAT BUT OK. She really has no idea what I plan to do with that yard. I am like the Rainman of plants except not as socially awkward. There are 26 plants on my apartment porch at this very moment, and it is small, I tell you, SMALL. I have also noticed that there is a bird couple that seems to be interested in moving into my asparagus fern and that’s just fine, but they obviously need to realize that if their babies do not hatch by August, I’m taking them with me to the new place and raising them as my own for tiny bird pets. Also I require a deposit of a month’s rent and a background check for moving into my plants.
10. I have been sleeping what some people would call “way too much” and what I call “just enough.” Or rather, I’ve been getting something like eight to nine hours (ok sometimes it’s 10 or 11 hours) of sleep a night on a very weird schedule. I can say this: I do not feel sleep-deprived. I can also say that yesterday, I woke up at 11:00 AM and went to bed at 12:20 PM (that is only about 13 hours of being awake, for those of you who are stupid), although that is not exactly normal for me. For some idiot reason, I’ve been staying up until 2:00-ish, which throws everything off. Also, my skin looks fantastic because of this sleep thing, which some people might regard as an addiction. I can quit whenever I want. You shut your filthy mouth ok.
11. I’ve been formulating a blog post about my awkward middle/high school phase that will be revealed shortly. It includes pictures. It’s going to be rather painful for me to post, but you know…what doesn’t kill you makes you puke because you’re so weird-looking in middle school. HUECK BARF VOM VOM VOM.
Have a freaking amazing Wednesday. (Can Wednesdays ever be that great?)