Why yes, moving does make me want to punch someone’s face in. Thank you for asking.
Sure, I have work I could be catching up on. But am I doing that? NO. I’m packing up all my stupid belongings (they only seem stupid when I have to move all of them at once) and listening to Joan Jett very loudly on my record player. I hope my neighbors get pissed about it too. However, it’s only 3:30 in the afternoon so they probably are at work and can’t hear my music, about which they rudely complained to the apartment complex people a few months ago BEFORE EVEN KNOCKING ON MY DOOR TO SAY IT’S TOO LOUD. AND DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT THE KITTY LITTER THAT THE TRASH PEOPLE SPILLED ON MY DOORSTEP AND I DIDN’T CLEAN UP FOR LIKE ONE DAY BECAUSE I WAS WORKING THAT DAY AND GOOD GOD IT WAS ONLY ONE DAY AND IT WAS NOT EVEN ME WHO SPILLED IT. ALSO DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU LEFT THE FUTON FRAME IN THE BREEZEWAY FOR A MONTH WITHOUT THROWING IT AWAY AND I DIDN’T COMPLAIN NOT ONE WORD EVEN THOUGH IT WAS SUPER-TACKY TO HAVE A FUTON FRAME ON THE BREEZEWAY, WHAT ARE WE REDNECKS HERE? I could say a lot of things here about their lack of balls and abundance of hypocrisy, but I will just say that I’m happy to be moving out.
Here are some things I have noticed while moving:
1. Certain small items vanish very easily, items that you need and have already packed, items like corkscrews. WHERE IS MY CORKSCREW OMG I PACKED IT ALREADY AND IF I CAN’T OPEN THIS BOTTLE OF WINE I WILL CLEARLY HAVE TO RIP YOUR FEMUR OUT OF YOUR LEG AND FASHION A MAKESHIFT CORKSCREW FROM IT.
2. I dried off after a shower with a handtowel because there were no more towels to be found in the whole place. The towel was soaking wet after about one second and now it smells moldy because I’ve been using it for a few days. I am gross.
3. I have wimpy arms that cannot carry boxes only even half full of books. Also you should know that one time when I was probably 12 years old, someone gave me a flat of like 5 gallons of sweet tea to carry to a car and I dropped the entire thing and sweet tea went everywhere. I am pretty sure the ants had a party that day in the parking lot, all because of my wimpy arms which probably haven’t developed at all since I was 12.
4. Wow I have a lot of crap, crap that needs to be thrown away and never should come back and visit me again.
5. How did I amass so many screws, buttons, and broken pieces of things that seem to belong to nothing? How?
6. I end up hurting myself in weird ways when I move. Like, I will go to pick something up and not get a good grip on it and then my hand flies up and hits me in the nose and immediately my eyes get teary and even though there is nobody around I say HAY I COULDN’T CONTROL THOSE TEARS THEY JUST HAPPEN WHEN I GET HIT IN THE NOSE OK I’M NOT A CRYBABY. DON’T JUDGE ME. And then I cry a little bit for real because it really did hurt and it makes me mad to accidentally hurt myself.
I’ve switched to the Boss on the record player, and he says that you can’t start a fire without a spark so I think he’s telling me to stop blogging and start packing. Have a good week, people who read this. Crabby, bitchy, all-caps kisses from moving-land USA.