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Awful, unspeakable things. April 13, 2011

Filed under: humor — avocadoexplosion @ 12:26 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

Sometimes, you do things in life that make you want to punch yourself in the face.  Or at least, you want to tell someone about it so that they’ll punch you in the face to get you living right again.

Today, I was driving around town, probably late to something (definitely late), and I was flipping through the radio stations (MOM SHUT UP I WAS FLIPPING THROUGH THEM WITH THE ARROWS ON MY WHEEL NOT ACTUALLY LOOKING AT THE SCREEN ON THE CAR RADIO AND TRYING TO DRIVE SIMULTANEOUSLY, I’M NOT GOING TO DIE FROM CHANGING THE RADIO STATION IN MY CAR AND RUNNING OFF THE ROAD OK. P.S. YOU ARE PARANOID).  Just kidding, my mom doesn’t read this blog.  At least I hope she doesn’t.  So anyways, I was driving around town, flipping through the stations, and I was like WHAT THE EFF @#&#%#$& WHERE IS ANY MUSIC AT ALL NOT EVEN IF IT’S NOT GOOD.  So finally, I get to something that I can at least stand, and I’m like ok fine whatever, we’ll see what this is.

If I’m absorbed in another activity, I have a tendency to block out the first activity until it gets to the point where I can’t ignore it.  This point came probably 37.3879 seconds into the song for me, when I realized I was listening to CREED.

Here is how I've always felt about Creed.

These things happen.  You’re listening to a song, and you are ok with it and maybe even getting into it a little.  Maybe you’re car-dancing, I don’t know.  I don’t have a camera in your car.  And if I did, that would be creepy and I would never tell you about it.  HUSH.

And then you realize that you’re listening to Creed.  Or worse, NICKELBACK.  OH MY GOD.  I have never hated music as much as I do when I hear it coming from Nickelback.  Thankfully, I have never found myself listening to a Nickelback song and liking it. It goes against the values I was taught growing up.

Rule #1: Don’t kill people. Rule #2: Don’t listen to Creed or Nickelback without making fun of it and vomming in your mouth. Rule #3: If you do find yourself listening to either of these two bands for more than 2 seconds without changing the radio station, you must automatically say 5 hail marys even though you are not Catholic and then cover yourself in mud and run screaming through your neighborhood yelling I HAVE SINNED I HAVE SINNED.

I think we all remember the facehole contest where the pickle had more fans than Nickelback. Sometimes I forget how nickel is spelled, like just then when I was typing it. Don't worry, it's nickel, not nickle. I checked.


Let's also take a minute to discuss how Chad Kroeger could be Zaphod Beeblebrox for Halloween. Maybe the pickle could serve as his other head.

Anyways. It’s like those times when I sit down and watch the TV Guide channel to find something on TV, and then I end up watching the damn TV Guide channel for like two hours instead of an actual show. On a related note, in college, my friend and I used to watch the TV Guide channel while he was waiting for my roommate to go study at the library. We even learned the song that they play in between segments and used to sing it ALL. THE. TIME. It was instrumental, so you can imagine how annoying that was if you were not the one singing it.

Does anyone remember when Debbie Matenopoulos was on the TV Guide channel? I do.

Getting back to embarrassing things. My local Borders is closing, so they’re having a sale.  I have been in there maybe twice in my whole life (I prefer cheap used books), but when I saw that huge banner pronouncing 50 TO 70% OFF, STORE CLOSING, I was like YES PLEASE THAT’S FOR ME, I’M BROKE BUT I STILL LIKE READING THE BOOKS. I wandered through the store for something like two days looking for books that I had at least heard of (it was kind of like when people have gone through and looted a gas station during a riot and they took all the good stuff and left nothing but off-brand candy and stale pretzels…god how I hate pretzels). I finally came up with three books, one of which was the 5-Factor Diet by Harvey Pasternak.  NO JUDGING.  CELEBRITIES LOVE THIS DIET, OK. Also it was five bucks. I cannot pass up a sale.

Anyways, I was reading it with great interest last week (not really, it sounds basically the same as a bunch of others and I’m pretty sure that weight loss/fitness = eat less and exercise more, WHATEVER COMMON SENSE), and I sat it down on my nightstand when I was done reading it for the night.

On Saturday morning, Riley went and picked up some French toast for me because he is the best boyfriend.  So I’m like oh ok I’ll just put my empty syrup container over here on the nightstand because I’m lazy and don’t want to get out of bed to throw it away.  And then THIS happened:

SYRUP ON HARVEY PASTERNAK'S HEAD. I JUST REALIZED HIS NAME WAS HARLEY NOT HARVEY AFTER LOOKING AT THE BOOK COVER AGAIN AND LOST A LOT OF RESPECT FOR HIM.

Seriously, syrup on your diet book?  That’s shameful.  Especially if it ripped off part of the title page because it was stuck to the nightstand. Yes, that happened.

WHAT WOULD TONY HORTON SAY

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One Response to “Awful, unspeakable things.”

  1. Pauline Says:

    I love that shirt! I never understood why Creed and Nickelcrap are so heavily played on the radio! Any time they’re mentioned people talk about how much they can’t stand either of them!


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