Ok I never EVER shop online, and I will tell you why right now. It is because NOTHING EVER LOOKS IN REAL LIFE LIKE IT DOES ONLINE. This is one of my cardinal life rules to follow.
NUMBER ONE. Never eat anything that falls on the sunroom floor because the sunroom is where the cats’ shitbox is and you will get shit in your food even if it is tiny microscopic. And then you will die.
NUMBER TWO. Never tell anyone what you watch on TV at the gym because they will think you are a girly girl and will kick you for it (OK IT’S SEX AND THE CITY RERUNS AND ONE TIME I WATCHED AN E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY ON KATY PERRY BECAUSE I COULDN’T FIND ANYTHING ELSE ON BESIDES FOOD NETWORK AT 4 PM AND I CAN’T WATCH FOOD WHILE RUNNING DON’T JUDGE)
NUMBER THREE. NEVER BUY ANYTHING ONLINE BECAUSE IT WILL LOOK LIKE MONKEY SHIT AND A ROTTEN COCONUT WHEN YOU PUT IT ON YOUR BODY.
Recently, I violated rule number three thinking that I could somehow skirt around the terrible consequences that come with it. NO. I found this website a few weeks ago and was like asld;kfjasldifui yay fun clothes!!! My birthday is in two weeks, so I thought it would be a nice birthday present to myself to get these:
I ordered them and anxiously awaited their arrival on my doorstep. THESE WILL BE THE SHOES THAT SHOOT ME INTO SUPERSTARDOM, I thought. Ok I didn’t really think that because we all know that shoes are incapable of making someone famous. Unless of course, you are her:
I was actually at the office (I know, right…I work from home…it was an anomaly) the day that I got the email that my lovely superfantastical boots had arrived. I rushed home, let the dog out of the crate, peed real fast, jerked open the front door, and delightedly ripped open the cardboard box that my boots were mailed in. Seriously I was so excited that when I was ripping the damn thing open, it gave me a papercut. Really. Not kidding. It’s a little pathetic. I even got mad and was like JUST OPEN GODDAMMIT THERE’S NO TIME!!!! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY
I opened them and was like…ok I think we can work with this. Maybe. Ok these look a little big. I’ll just try them on just to see. I tried them on and HOLY SHITBALLS BATMAN LOOK AT THE CALVES THEY ARE HUGE GAPING HOLES.
I don’t have gigantic calves. I’ve been running a lot lately, but even then. Even then do I not have calves that could literally stop up the trunk of a glittery elephant (that also has sex with shoes). I could fit my dog and all three of the cats in one of these stupid boots.
DAMN YOU ONLINE SHOPPING!!!!(imagine me raising my fist to the heavens and shouting)!!!! I thought I was safe with ordering shoes because A) they usually fit without you trying them on and B) let’s face it. Women love shoe shopping because shoes are the one thing that don’t make women feel bad about their bodies. That and jewelry, but many women seem to like shoes better for some odd reason. Here’s what makes this even worse: I HATE HEELS. I HATE THEM. HATE THEM HATE THEM HATE THEM. I used to have these shoes in 6th grade:
I have been looking for shoes my whole life that are both fashionable (I realize now that silver Birkenstocks are not fashionable and claim no responsibility for my fashion choices before the year 2007) and comfortable but like actually comfortable not like hey these tiny heels are so comfortable to walk on THEY’RE NOT I KNOW THEY’RE NOT, DON’T LIE. Do these mythical shoes exist? DO THEY?!?!?! I thought that maybe I could try to wear some heels that were also boots (which means my legs and feet wouldn’t be trying to fall out of them) and that had chunkier heels so that I wouldn’t look like a baby giraffe figuring out how to walk. But no. I was punished for my presumptuousness.
So then I got these instead:
And I wore them to our show last Thursday. And that was a mistake. I am already 5’8″ without help and with these, I’m more like 6 million feet of awkward bobbing and weaving. People were like looook your shoes are so prettayyyyyy and I was like thaaaaanks I may soon die an awful death of shoe huuuuurt and sufferiiiiiiing.
This concludes this life lesson (really it’s for me, not you). I realize that you probably can wear heels and you are probably really good at it, for which I commend you. I, however, will be sticking to more “sensible” shoes, i.e., boring old-lady shoes. Additionally, I will not be ordering anything online in the foreseeable future because MONKEYSHIT/ROTTENCOCONUTS AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT BITCHES.