if you don't like avocados, then you don't like life.

A booty ain’t nothin’ but a butt. You heard it here first. October 27, 2011

Filed under: humor — avocadoexplosion @ 3:36 pm
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Here is a list of what I’ve been thinking about lately.  You will see by looking at it that I don’t think about things that are of huge consequence, but if you think I care then you would be wrong.

  • Animals.  Specifically, why do my animals follow me everywhere.  I have four pets.  One cat lives upstairs because she hates the rest of them so I don’t see her often, but there are two cats and one dog downstairs.  For anyone who was wondering, this is too many pets.  Yes, I said it.  All three of the downstairs animals are up my ass at every moment of the day.  I can’t even lock myself in a room for five minutes away from them because they whine and scratch at the door.  Sometimes they get in fights trying to get into the bathroom to be with me while I’m pooping, which I don’t appreciate.  I spend half of my time tripping over at least one animal and sometimes all three.  I don’t know why they like me so much.  If someone yelled at me as much as I yell at them, I would hate that person and probably plan ways to kill them in my free time, but it seems like all my yelling at their shenanigans just makes them love me more.  Also, aren’t cats supposed to be antisocial?  I want a refund.

I made this picture at work:

That’s a steaming pile of poop in the righthand corner next to Buckley.  I don’t think it’s necessary to explain why that’s there.

I work for a very un-corporate corporation where we make paintings like this about what we see all day when we’re at home.  Here’s another one that my team leader did:

Yes, that is Jerry Springer.  The shoes are supposed to be the shoes that the women on Springer take off before they fight each other and pull each other’s hair.  I’m not joking.  Also, why do they only allow mutants on that show.  More importantly, why does my team watch Springer on a regular basis is the real question here.

  • Debt.  I am out of it.  It feels like the best thing that has ever happened to me.  People always told me it would feel like this, but I didn’t believe them.  It’s like hot chocolate with marshmallows made of unicorn shit.  Everyone knows that unicorn shit is a delicacy.  HUSH.
  • Cleanliness.  I have started to be cleaner, but there are still some things that need work.  Like the other day, I left a bottle of wine uncorked.  There was a little still in there when I was cleaning up after a few days (yes, it takes me a few days to clean up anything), so I was like cool I’ll just finish it off.  I poured it into a glass and went off to do something else, not thinking to look into the glass before I took a big gulp of it.  A gulp that contained a black fly and probably 10 fruitflies.  I spewed wine all over the floor and the worst thing is that when I went to clean it up, the fly was still wriggling and alive, dying slowly in wine spit.  Ugh.  I think I drank all the fruitflies and also the wine tasted like vinegar at that point.  Next time I will look into the glass before I drink.
  • Grocery stores.  I will kill all of them.  Grocery stores are literally the worst place in the universe, even before flea markets.  I hate them so much that I will go hungry for days and just eat flour and uncooked rice before I make myself go into one.  Where I live, there is a Food Lion, Harris Teeter, and a hippy grocery store.  I hate all of them equally for different reasons, which is unfortunate because food is one of my all-time favorite items.  They also contain weird shit that I didn’t even know existed, like this:


And this:


What is that?  Is that an octopus?  Who is eating octopus on a regular basis and buying it at the Food Lion?

  • Protests.  There are a lot of protests going on lately.  There is no way I could ever go to one, and I will tell you why right now.  One time I went to a George Clinton show at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach, which is tiny, and I almost hyperventilated.  Unless I am drunk, I will not even think about going anywhere with crowds like that.  The only good thing to come out of that George Clinton show was I heard a song that goes “a tail ain’t nothing but a long booty and a booty ain’t nothing but a butt”.  I don’t know how people get away with writing songs like that.  I guess if you look like George Clinton then you can do anything.  I certainly could not pull that off.

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