A few weekends ago, I *tried* to run my first half marathon ever. I say “tried” because I didn’t actually run the whole thing. Not because I didn’t want to…because my knee is a big fat whiny baby. I had been having trouble with it before the race and thought that maybe a magical fairy of healing would visit me in my sleep and make my knee better but in fact no, this did not happen. I ended up being able to run 5 miles before the pain got so bad that I had to stop and limp for a while. I walked the last 8 miles of the damn thing and by the way walking 8 miles is REALLY EFFING BORING. What’s worse is that I had to speed walk it. I mean I would have finished at 11 pm if I hadn’t. Let me tell you how much I despise speed walking. I kept thinking to myself, god I look like a 50-year-old mall walker except I’m not wearing swooshy windpants.
And then I walked around like I had a peg leg for two entire weeks. I couldn’t straighten my leg at all or walk down stairs in a non-embarrassing way. The moral of this story, children, is that you should make sure you are well trained if you are stupid enough to sign up for a 13-mile-or-longer race.
However, I did get to stuff myself with all manner of unhealthy ingredients the day before, all in the name of running. Doughnuts, crab legs, pasta, ice cream, etc. etc. etc. By the end of the day I was actually really sick of eating crap and was ready to have a salad but I was like NO YOU CAN’T BREAK NOW, YOU’LL LOSE EVERYTHING YOU’VE WORKED FOR, THINK OF THE CHILDREN. I don’t know what children I was talking about. In retrospect, I think I just made myself kind of fat for the weekend but whatever.
I have never been particularly athletic. And when I say “particularly,” I mean “not at all.” My mom and dad put me in like every single sport available when I was a kid, and I sucked ass at all of them. Here is a list of the sports and physical activities I did during my youth, in chronological order:
- tee ball
- tap dance
Here is a list of the sports and physical activities I was good at during my youth:
You’ll see that there are in fact no activities listed here because I was terrible at all of them. One time during PE when we were playing basketball, everyone was on one side of the court because we had switched sides at that point in the game, which I didn’t quite absorb until too late, and I was like guys, we’re over here. Guys. Ok I’ll just go make a basket now. FOR THE OTHER TEAM.
I just was thinking about all of this because of the race and my peg leg and because I’m watching TV tonight and, as usual, there is nothing on. I just watched American Bobo Story because I’m bored as shit and was then flipping through the channels coming up with nothing and decided oh hey maybe I should watch Black Swan for the seventy gajillionth time. And then I was like oh hey she’s putting on her toe shoes and then I was like GOD I NEVER MADE IT TO TOE SHOES IN BALLET BECAUSE I SUCKED SO BAD. Seriously I did ballet from age 3-13 and really? You’d think someone would get farther than I did. You would think that. But you would be wrong.