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Christmastime is here. Happiness and cheer, or whatever it is those mush-mouthed children sing in the Charlie Brown Christmas movie. December 5, 2011

Holy crap can I just say how much I love Christmas.  I don’t give two shits about the commercial blah blah blah consumer holiday blah blah crap that everyone says makes them hate it.  Let me tell you why Christmas is GREAT.

CHRISTMAS MUSIC.  YES omg I could listen to that crap all day long every day, and guess what, I actually do for two entire months listen to almost nothing but Christmas music.  If someone tries to play a song for me that is not Christmas music, I punch them in the face.  POW just like that.  I have started listening to Spotify lately, and I saw that Michael Buble had a Christmas album out.  Now usually I would be like MICHAEL BUBLE HAHAHA YOUR NAME SOUNDS LIKE BOOBS ALSO YOUR MUSIC IS PROBABLY LAME EVEN THOUGH I’VE NEVER LISTENED TO IT.  But this time was different.  In all honesty I am listening to that album right now, and I have to say, it’s not bad at all.  Spotify may even get me to listen to that band I hate, She and Him, Jesus H. Agricultural Christ, how I hate them.  I cannot stand Zooey Deschanel’s voice.  But I am seriously considering soiling my laptop with their music just because it’s a Christmas album.

Ooh look at me, I'm Zooey Deschanel, I'm so quirky and cute! I wasn't satisfied with a really successful career in film even though my acting is mediocre at best, noooo I had to go and piss all over music too with my twangy affected voice! Also let's talk about how we are not living in a J.D. Salinger book, Zooey. SPELL IT RIGHT PLEASE

Also, confession- I still listen to Hanson’s Christmas album that I got way back in middle school.  I shouldn’t have put that on the Internets just now.  I just invited a world of shit to my door.

Oh, you boys with your Christmas sweaters and your faces that aren't as cute as they used to be. That's ok, you still have nice hair. At least, two of you do. Ok, just one.

DECORATIONS.  A holiday where it’s socially acceptable for me to make my house look like Narnia???  WHAT DID YOU SAY????!!!!!!  Starting directly after Thanksgiving, I drag in as many tree and bush branches as I can find and make the house into a magical Christmas forest complete with fauns and elves.  Ok maybe not fauns and elves, but the amount of Christmas decorations I own is frightening, in part due to my mother and grandmother.  They overload me with Christmas ornaments and decorations every single year because they get them on super sale after Christmas the year before.  Don’t tell them this but I give a lot of that shit to Goodwill because WE DON’T LIKE PLASTIC IN THE MAGIC CHRISTMAS FOREST.  Jeez.  Get it right, Nana.  NATURAL MATERIALS ONLY PLEASE

WELCOME TO MY HOUSE. DOES IT CREEP YOU OUT THAT I HAVE A LITTLE GIRL IN HERE WHO IS NOT RELATED TO ME. I THOUGHT SO.

FOOD.  This one is probably pretty obvious.  If you know me, you know I love food.  Themed food?  Even better.  Every year, my mom and I make sugar cookies with red and green sprinkles on them and they are the best thing I have ever eaten.  We also have about a million cookie cutters in the shapes of reindeers, holly leaves, Christmas trees, angels, and a crapload of other awesome Christmas things.  The worst one is Santa because that bastard has a ball on the end of his hat that always breaks off when you’re trying to get the dough out of the cookie cutter.  Bad design.  But then I’m always like oh look Mom this one is ruined NOM NOM NOM I ATE IT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA.  And then I get a sugar high and run around the house in circles and my mom rolls her eyes and sighs.  What did I raise? she thinks to herself.  Or rather, what did I not raise because this woman is obviously stuck in 3rd grade.

SUGAAAAAR

PRESENTS.  Um.  DUH.  Every year I’m like “oh mom and dad you don’t have to get me anything, no no no.  I’m older.  I’ve stopped all that now.  No but really what are you getting me.”  Because I am that shallow.  Yes.  Also sometimes I buy myself Christmas presents.  Don’t judge.

Speaking of Christmas presents, guess what I got (early).  A video camera.  YAYAYAYAYAAYAYAY.  And as soon as I figure out how to use it, I’ll post some videos on here.  I have no patience with learning how to use technology.  NONE!

NO. Ok, maybe. Only if you're nice.

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7 Responses to “Christmastime is here. Happiness and cheer, or whatever it is those mush-mouthed children sing in the Charlie Brown Christmas movie.”

  1. mediaudio Says:

    Holiday music generally has an effect very similar to that of a friendly (albeit invasive) vulture nesting in my brain and repeating itself in a jolly manner. Actually, carrion are preferred to a CERTAIN song about shoes. Why must Hanson continue to haunt me? Why are Zooey Deschanel’s eyes larger than most hostess snack cakes? And while I’m on the subject of sweets – cookie monster was a horrible influence as a child. It is still the thought that counts when buying a gift (even for yourself)!

    ‘Tis the season to attain vultures…

  2. Pauline Says:

    After having worked in retail where we were forced to endure the same obnoxious, psychotically happy music over and over, I used to loathe Christmas/Holiday music.

    But there is some Christmas music that is actually beautiful. ie. Charlie Brown’s Christmas soundtrack is one of my favorite albums!

  3. Nooooo! Zooey Deschahel is great! Or maybe i have to listen her singing first.

    • Hm. Ok if I’m being completely honest I might just be a little jealous of the fact that she got signed to Merge Records just because she was already a well-known actress. But also I don’t really like her very much.

      • I see what you’re saying, i would say she got terribly lucky. But you have to admit she acted good in 500 days of summer and Yes Man, though her movie The Happening with Mark Wahlberg was lame, i mean in the whole movie she looked as if a UFO was landing in front of her face.

        Eitherway, i liked your post, always good to read someone criticizing a false sense of fashion ;)


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