Yeah, I know I haven’t posted since December. SHUT UP, YOU’RE STUPID.
I have something to say. I have lived in the South for like, oh wait, all my life, and you would think that by now I’d be used to the climate. NO. Every year, it keeps getting hotter and hotter because of the global warming and us getting closer to Satan’s asshole, and I keep getting more and more pissed off, and my hair keeps getting flatter and flatter.
I remember when I was a kid, living in the middle of North Carolina, being pissed off at 10 years old (hard to believe, right) about how stupidly hot and humid it was in stupid hot North Carolina. Because I’m an only child and entertained myself by talking to myself most of the time, I’d go outside and wander around in the woods behind my house and pretend like I was lost in a magical fairy land (SHUT UP. I WAS 10. OK THIS WAS LAST YEAR). And then I’d go jump on the trampoline and slowly get pissed pissed PISSED because it was summer and there were stupid summer flies buzzing around above the trampoline and it was so hooooooooot. One time I was playing softball in the summer and got so hot that I passed out and my mom and dad had to carry me to the car and then on the way home I puked at the bottom of our driveway and our dog ate it.
Here is what people say is good about summer:
- the beach
- the pool
Is there anything else that people think is good about summer? I don’t even like water except for to drink (we’ve discussed my aversion to showers) so when people say HEY LET’S GO TO THE POOL I’m like, submersing myself in water voluntarily sounds like the most unnatural thing ever and then when they say LET’S GO TO THE BEACH! I’m like, bitches, I lived in Myrtle Beach since I was 13 and it’s not a vacation for me. It’s just a place where you go to get sand up your asscrack and really small sharks preserved in formaldehyde and hermit crabs and shirts that are made to look like you are wearing a bikini.
You really can’t do anything outside in the summer except for sit in one place and think about the sweat dripping down your back and legs and how uncomfortable you are. So if you are like me, you spend the entire summer inside in wintry conditions because apparently, in the South, people think that to counteract the effects of the heat outside, we need to have our buildings at -50°. And then in September, you emerge from your air-conditioned sanctuary and people can see through you because you are so incredibly pale and your skin sparkles like a Twilight vampire and you think YESSSSS I HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF IMMORTALITY
Laying out…ugh. There was literally never a worse activity than laying out. Hey I know, let’s lay in the blistering sun for hours and hours and hours and try to read our dumb summer romance novels but oh wait, I can’t read them because IT’S TOO DAMN BRIGHT OUT HERE WHAT WITH THE SUN ONLY 15 FEET AWAY FROM THE EARTH.
How much of an insult is it that my birthday is smack in the middle of summer? Great, another pool party. SO EXCITING FOR ME. YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE POOLS, MOM. I’m changing my birthday so that it falls in October rather than June because really, this shit is ridiculous.
Speaking of birthdays, I’m having one soon and am telling everyone who comes to my party to bring a cake with them. CAKE DAY FOREVER