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The 10 best Christmas presents of 2012. By best, I mean worst. November 30, 2012

I swear to GOD starting a blog post after 6 months of inactivity is the HARDEST. THING. ON. EARTH. Real talk: I was so freaked out about trying to write this post after being gone for so long that I filled up this ginormous wine glass with half a bottle of wine and am halfway through it and still on only the second sentence. AS;DJFA;LSKJDFKAHSDFLKJSDF

I am SO SICK OF TURKEY RIGHT NOW. But I’m not sick of this picture. But Thanksgiving can still suck it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y’ALL

I ate so damn much turkey and gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce and things that were beige and brown and not really green at all for like 4 days straight and I’m pretty sure I gained 15 pounds. Or 3. I FEEL DISGUSTING. SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THE TIRE MADE OF FAT THAT IS AROUND MY BODY RIGHT NOW. MY CHEEKS (BOTH OF FACE AND ASS ILK) FEEL LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES.

My band has been working our (now fat and bloated) asses off to get ready for our album release in 2013, so there has been no exercising of any sort except maybe once a week because SERIOUSLY I SIT IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER CONSTANTLY. Quads, people. I had quads not even two months ago. Now they’re like tiny little pretzel sticks with jelly on them. Blubblelubblelubble. Heeeelp meeeee they say. Pleeeeeease I feel so weak and uggo, I want to be strong again.

SAD FACE FOR MUSCLE LOSS

Here’s one plus: IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS YAYYYYYY. Which, as you know, is my favorite time of the year.

And now, for your general pleasure. A list of the 10 best Christmas prezzies of 2012. “Best” being a totally relative term.

10. PLASTIC POOP WITH A CHRISTMAS HAT

PEUP

Who thinks this would be funny to get on Christmas morning? No wait- who thinks of this and is like THIS IS A GREAT IDEA, MANAGEMENT WILL LOVE IT! And then management DOES love it and real money is spent on it. This makes me hate humanity.

9. TICKETS TO BREAKING DAWN PART 2

For the people you really hate. I mean really hate. Or your teenage nieces, who are arguably not people, but maybe you also hate them. Let’s take a moment to appreciate the expert Photoshop work here.

8. DOG CHRISTMAS COSTUMES

Obviously someone has too much time on their hands and doesn’t have children. I would consider getting these for Charlie if I wasn’t as busy as I am.

7. THIS MAN

Oh good god.

6. ANYTHING KNITTED OR CROCHETED

5. THE NO-TOUCH PET PETTER

Now you don’t have to touch those filthy animals you dress up in Christmas costumes.

4. A BANANA GUARD

Because the banana’s skin isn’t good enough.

3. EXERCISE VIDEOS

Unless someone asks for it, don’t do it. Just don’t. Unless of course you want to lose that person as a friend forever. Exercise clothes, however, are fine, because they can double as pajama pants a.k.a. work from home “office clothes”.

2. VINO2GO

I found the perfect Christmas present for all my drunk friends who like to travel (I’m looking at you, Emily) as well as myself.

How genius is this? Emily and I always put our wine in bobo travel mugs when we’re walking the dogs…now we can be classy about it and people will be able to SEE what we’re drinking rather than guessing from the red wine mouth we’re sporting. No I actually will be getting these for you for Christmas, Emily. I’m not kidding.

1. YOKO ONO’S NEW CLOTHING LINE

She based this on some drawings she made as a wedding present for John, allegedly. I know I want to see all the men in my life wearing CUTOUT ASS PANTS

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y’ALL

 

Christmastime is here. Happiness and cheer, or whatever it is those mush-mouthed children sing in the Charlie Brown Christmas movie. December 5, 2011

Holy crap can I just say how much I love Christmas.  I don’t give two shits about the commercial blah blah blah consumer holiday blah blah crap that everyone says makes them hate it.  Let me tell you why Christmas is GREAT.

CHRISTMAS MUSIC.  YES omg I could listen to that crap all day long every day, and guess what, I actually do for two entire months listen to almost nothing but Christmas music.  If someone tries to play a song for me that is not Christmas music, I punch them in the face.  POW just like that.  I have started listening to Spotify lately, and I saw that Michael Buble had a Christmas album out.  Now usually I would be like MICHAEL BUBLE HAHAHA YOUR NAME SOUNDS LIKE BOOBS ALSO YOUR MUSIC IS PROBABLY LAME EVEN THOUGH I’VE NEVER LISTENED TO IT.  But this time was different.  In all honesty I am listening to that album right now, and I have to say, it’s not bad at all.  Spotify may even get me to listen to that band I hate, She and Him, Jesus H. Agricultural Christ, how I hate them.  I cannot stand Zooey Deschanel’s voice.  But I am seriously considering soiling my laptop with their music just because it’s a Christmas album.

Ooh look at me, I'm Zooey Deschanel, I'm so quirky and cute! I wasn't satisfied with a really successful career in film even though my acting is mediocre at best, noooo I had to go and piss all over music too with my twangy affected voice! Also let's talk about how we are not living in a J.D. Salinger book, Zooey. SPELL IT RIGHT PLEASE

Also, confession- I still listen to Hanson’s Christmas album that I got way back in middle school.  I shouldn’t have put that on the Internets just now.  I just invited a world of shit to my door.

Oh, you boys with your Christmas sweaters and your faces that aren't as cute as they used to be. That's ok, you still have nice hair. At least, two of you do. Ok, just one.

DECORATIONS.  A holiday where it’s socially acceptable for me to make my house look like Narnia???  WHAT DID YOU SAY????!!!!!!  Starting directly after Thanksgiving, I drag in as many tree and bush branches as I can find and make the house into a magical Christmas forest complete with fauns and elves.  Ok maybe not fauns and elves, but the amount of Christmas decorations I own is frightening, in part due to my mother and grandmother.  They overload me with Christmas ornaments and decorations every single year because they get them on super sale after Christmas the year before.  Don’t tell them this but I give a lot of that shit to Goodwill because WE DON’T LIKE PLASTIC IN THE MAGIC CHRISTMAS FOREST.  Jeez.  Get it right, Nana.  NATURAL MATERIALS ONLY PLEASE

WELCOME TO MY HOUSE. DOES IT CREEP YOU OUT THAT I HAVE A LITTLE GIRL IN HERE WHO IS NOT RELATED TO ME. I THOUGHT SO.

FOOD.  This one is probably pretty obvious.  If you know me, you know I love food.  Themed food?  Even better.  Every year, my mom and I make sugar cookies with red and green sprinkles on them and they are the best thing I have ever eaten.  We also have about a million cookie cutters in the shapes of reindeers, holly leaves, Christmas trees, angels, and a crapload of other awesome Christmas things.  The worst one is Santa because that bastard has a ball on the end of his hat that always breaks off when you’re trying to get the dough out of the cookie cutter.  Bad design.  But then I’m always like oh look Mom this one is ruined NOM NOM NOM I ATE IT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA.  And then I get a sugar high and run around the house in circles and my mom rolls her eyes and sighs.  What did I raise? she thinks to herself.  Or rather, what did I not raise because this woman is obviously stuck in 3rd grade.

SUGAAAAAR

PRESENTS.  Um.  DUH.  Every year I’m like “oh mom and dad you don’t have to get me anything, no no no.  I’m older.  I’ve stopped all that now.  No but really what are you getting me.”  Because I am that shallow.  Yes.  Also sometimes I buy myself Christmas presents.  Don’t judge.

Speaking of Christmas presents, guess what I got (early).  A video camera.  YAYAYAYAYAAYAYAY.  And as soon as I figure out how to use it, I’ll post some videos on here.  I have no patience with learning how to use technology.  NONE!

NO. Ok, maybe. Only if you're nice.