Sometimes in life, you have to shop for things. And this pisses me off. I think my woman card is about to be revoked because not only do I not like every John Cusack movie ever made- I also really hate shopping. Hate. It. This does not mean I hate clothes. This means I hate shopping. Sometimes for the band’s shows I have to go shopping for clothes so that I don’t wear my pajamas on stage because literally that is all I wear anymore now that I work from home. I said it would be so, and it is so. I have made friends of mine go shopping with me, and I don’t know why they’re still my friends. I know how frustrating it must be to go in a store and have someone say UGH to everything you show them. Here are the reasons shopping sucks:
1. I am by far the pickiest person I know when it comes to clothing. Whatever I wear has to fit me exactly right – not too tight, not too loose, not too short, not too long – and be something that defines me in terms of my own personal style, which sounds really stupid when I actually say it out loud. WHATEVER. When you put that much pressure on yourself, shopping becomes a torture only rivaled by watching a Limp Bizkit video while eating pig tongues and being submitted to boyfriend farts under the covers. Guh. Gaaaaaag.
Which is why I never buy anything and wear pajamas most of the time.
2. I have expensive taste. The other day, I saw a freaking awesome jacket in the window of the new Free People store at our mall, and I went in to try it on. Fortunately, it was too small, and I say fortunately because this is the jacket itself:
Ok no jacket should cost that much, ever. Unless it was made for the Queen herself by magical elves.
Here’s another WTF:
But seriously, everything that I ever see is like a bagrillion dollars and it makes me cry a little bit every night into my pillow to think about it. It’s like having dated Johnny Depp and it didn’t work out and now you’re seeing Phillip Seymour Hoffman because he’s the only thing that you can afford wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Which is why I never buy anything.
3. EVERYTHING SUCKS. No seriously? Everything in stores sucks right now. Also, it’s not like I live in a town without a good mall. We have a bunch of stores, including high-end ones. For some reason, everything still sucks a big pile of disembodied asses. Like this spawn directly from the bowels of Satan himself:
Honestly, I did not look for this dress for a long time. I went to Urban Outfitters, clicked on “dresses”, and it was in the first 4 dresses on the page. I’m sure there are many dresses that look worse than this that I could have found just by scrolling through one more awful page, but WE HAVE NO TIME. WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS NOW, PEOPLE. Or else we’ll be forced to wear these dresses by aliens when they take over the earth.
I mean, even home decoration stuff sucks right now. I usually love Anthropologie more than I love my own mother (that’s mean, forget I said that), and I am in the market for a new duvet cover/comforter thingy this year. So I went to Anthropologie, and the best thing I saw was this:
Which looks like Monet threw up on a comforter. Holy mother of God. I would buy this if I didn’t think Riley would slaughter me in my sleep and that nobody would find out because the blood and body parts would just blend in with everything else.
Then I went and looked at Pottery Barn. It looked like the paisley/floral/monogram monster had come and taken a huge shit all over every bed in the place.
NUMBER FOUR. Here is the real reason that shopping sucks for me. I have no patience. NONE. Online shopping is actually really easy for me because if I don’t like something, I can just click on another link. However, if I am actually in the mall, I have to walk my ass into the store, pretend like I’m interested in something so as not to hurt people’s feelings even though within the first 5 seconds of being there I can usually tell that I hate or love everything, and then do the same for every damn store in the mall. Riley is always like but how do you even know, you look through the store in like 3.5808329 minutes and that is not even enough time to figure out if you like something or not. But I know. BECAUSE I HAVE EYES, OK.
Also, I would like to state for the record that my boyfriend is obviously a woman by the amount of time he spends in stores when we are shopping compared to the time that I spend in stores. He’s like, oh this would look so sexy on you, just try it on. I’m like no that looks like an egg fart. He’s like JUST DO IT AND SHUT UP GOD YOU ARE NO FUN TO SHOP WITH and I’m like well maybe you are a woman and you should go shopping with my friends and I can stay home and do something productive in life.
Which brings me to things I would rather do than shop.
1. Drink wine.
2. Do my actual job.
3. Eat glass.
4. Eat a muffin made of glass and nails.
5. Listen to Limp Bizkit on repeat for one day.
6. Listen to Nickelback have sex with Creed and Limp Bizkit for 3.5808329 minutes.
7. Be forcefed muffins made of glass and nails by zombies who are also fans of Nickelback, Creed, and Limp Bizkit and then be eaten by said zombies.
I’ve been having a lot of zombie dreams lately because of The Walking Dead. You know what’s weird is that they’re really not very scary dreams. The zombies are just kind of there, hanging out. And in one of the dreams, I was having tea with a bunch of drag queens in my yard at exactly 7:20 pm. Everyone knows that is three hours and 20 minutes too late to have tea, especially with drag queens.