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Facebook, I cain’t quit you. June 14, 2012

Filed under: humor,life — avocadoexplosion @ 10:45 pm
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I think we all agree here that Facebook is the worst thing to ever have happened and that we should all boycott it. Ok or maybe you don’t agree, but Facebook has been ruining my life since grad school when it came out. Thank god I wasn’t in college when it came out because I would have wasted all of my awesome college years worrying about if my status was funny enough and do I look hot enough in that profile picture, no I don’t, I have a tiny zit I didn’t see at first so now I have to change it. SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT.

OH HAY SEXAY, LOOKIN GOOD BAYBAY

On the one hand, it’s cool to stay in touch with people you knew in high school or middle school or when-the-hell-ever school, and on the other hand, why exactly do I need to know what Bob McDoodlybutt is doing with his life now that he’s all growed up and has a family and a job? Do I really care about the fact that he got that promotion to management at Best Buy, and do I want to see pictures of his ugly baby that, let’s face it, looks like an amorphous drooly blob? Will I ever see this person in real life again? Is Facebook real life now? These are the burning questions that plague me every day, people. EVERY DAY.

No, your baby is super cute. Looks exactly like you.

Yet somehow I can’t just LEAVE Facebook or not look at it or whatever. I find myself bored with work in the middle of the day, and here’s the really stupid part- I work from home, so I can get up and go do whatever I want to in my house rather than look at Facebook but instead I LOOK AT FACEBOOK LIKE A FRIGGING MORON. I have trouble sleeping in the middle of the night and wake up and look at Facebook because it’s a hell of a lot easier than getting up and doing work. I am out to dinner and when I go to the bathroom, I check my phone for those stupid red circles with numbers in them that means that someone liked my status that I spent wayyyyyy too long thinking about.

So I sit there and read people’s dumb status updates about eating a bowl of oatmeal and drinking coffee in the morning (OH GOOD ONE. REALLY ORIGINAL AND INFORMATIVE. I’M SO GLAD I KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU NOW. HOPE YOU HAVE A REGULAR BOWEL MOVEMENT AFTERWARDS AND POST ABOUT IT TOO, WITH PICTURES PREFERABLY) and look at pictures of their kids (STILL UGLY, AT LEAST UNTIL THEY HIT 2 YEARS OLD OR ARE MY BEST FRIEND’S BABY ISABELLE, SHE GETS A PASS BECAUSE SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A BEAUTIFUL MAGICAL BABY PRINCESS, NO I’M NOT BIASED) and get invited to events that I will never ever go to because I HAVE TO LOOK AT FACEBOOK NOT GO TO YOUR EVENT. THANKS. And then I hate myself afterwards for even checking the news feed. What do I think is going to happen here? That suddenly I’m going to get a private message from Ryan Adams saying that he saw my hot-ass profile picture and has decided to leave Mandy Moore for me and will be here in 5 and a half hours just as soon as he finishes this show and flies down from New York? I, um…that’s not anything I’ve thought about…obviously. NO. That is never going to happen just like nothing ever happens on Facebook, except for, of course, overplayed memes. I get it, that blocky white all caps font is funny, especially when paired with a picture of a cat or when it says “What my friends think I do/What my mom thinks I do/What I really do.” PLEASE LET IT DIE NOW.

It really is worth being on Facebook if only to be notified of high school yearbook pictures of James Hetfield.

Yet again…I sit there and scroll through the news feed all the time, and post my status updates that I’m sure a lot of people don’t think are funny, and post dumb pictures of my cat and dog. Whatever, they’re totally cuter than blobby babies who don’t even have FUR. Who cares about pictures of things that don’t have fur, not me.

THAT’S RIGHT, THAT’S A CROTCH SHOT OF MY FAVORITE CAT EVER. ABSORB IT. REVEL IN IT. BUT NOT TOO MUCH. OK THAT’S ENOUGH.

YEAH I KNOW THAT PINK SCARF ON MY DOG’S HEAD IS FUNNY BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE A PEASANT WOMAN. HE’S A BOY CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THAT, HE’S WEARING PINK AND HE’S A BOY!!!!!!

AS LONG AS WE’RE SHARING PET PICTURES, LET’S GO ONE STEP FURTHER AND TALK ABOUT MY FISH STEVE PERRY. HERE, HE’S SEARCHING FOR HIS OWN POOP SO HE CAN TRY TO EAT IT. THAT’S ACTUALLY TRUE, I’M NOT LYING. HE TRIES TO EAT HIS OWN POOP.

Here is the reason I tell myself I can’t delete my account: I have a band that has a Facebook page that I update very very inconsistently because I get nervous when speaking for the four other people who are also in the band and seriously, what else is there to say that hasn’t been said, and what if I say something stupid that makes people mad and makes them hate us. Why yes I do overanalyze everything that I do in life. Why do you ask? Also, I tell people about our shows pretty much only through Facebook. And you’re supposed to be able to create “buzz” online or whatever the hell it is. Has this worked for me yet? No. Do I even know how to do this? No. Do I need someone to do this for me and then delete my personal account so I can actually get things done? Yes probably. Will I actually delete my account when it comes down to it?

NO DUH OF COURSE NOT

Because I like posting idiotic pictures of my cat and dog and scrolling through the mundane shit that makes up our everyday lives for some weird reason. And because I work from home and have very limited interaction with humans throughout the day other than on gchat, so it makes me feel like I am not the only person alive in a post-apocalyptic world.

It’s just….so bright out here. I haven’t been outside in a while. You’re the first person I’ve seen in at least a month. I haven’t eaten anything except ramen and boxed wine for 3 weeks. Oh, I stink? Yeah we don’t have showers in the post-apocalypse, so that makes sense. I mean, I don’t take showers anyways on principle, but I appreciate your feedback.

And just because I feel like it, here is a list (a list on this blog? shocking, I know) of my top 5 most hated things on Facebook:

1. Posts of song lyrics that are not meant to be ironic or funny. It doesn’t make you deep, and it’s cliche as shit. Although I believe in the power of music to connect people, I don’t need to read the lyrics to some awful Dashboard Confessional song that you think perfectly describes your shitty day. Whoever the songwriter for Dashboard Confessional is (no, I don’t care enough to google his name) wrote those songs about HIS shitty day, not yours. If you want to post Iron Maiden lyrics, that’s a different story. But I still don’t think you’re as phenomenally fantastic as Bruce Dickinson, you hack. UNSUBSCRIBE

BE STILL MY HEART

OK IT’S STILL, GOOD JOB

2. Half-nakey pictures of girls who have daddy issues. Men, I know you enjoy these types of pictures, but as a woman, all I can say is honey, please go to the self-esteem store and buy some. Nobody wants to see your drunky-face sloppy side-boob hanging out of your $10 Forever 21 dress. And for REAL real, nobody wants to see you “modeling” whatever it is that you’re “modeling” when you’re posing nude in a field of wheat or maybe it’s quinoa, I don’t know what type of grain it is exactly, for that photographer that you probably slept with later. If you’re not actually pursuing a career in modeling, acting, or music where you need to have those pictures, it’s sad, not sexy. UNSUBSCRIBE

OH HAY IS THAT WHEAT CHAFING YOU?

3. I think we’ve been over this one…baby pictures. I’m not talking the occasional picture or two because, contrary to popular belief, I do have a heart and actually like seeing pictures of my friends’ children in moderation. I’m saying you’re littering the feed with multiple pictures of your child every single day. UNSUBSCRIBE

4. People who have some sort of cause that they keep throwing your face over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Jesus, give it a rest. I donate to whom I want when I please (and I actually do, so don’t give me any of that shit), and you pushing me to do so MAKES ME HATE YOUR FACE. SO MUCH.  Also, “REPOST IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS CANCER AND CAN MAKE IT AND ALL OF THE WORLD’S CANCER BETTER BY MAKING PEOPLE AWARE OF CANCER THROUGH THIS FACEBOOK REPOST BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY THE WORLD IS NOT AWARE ENOUGH OF CANCER” pisses my shit off like nothing else. UNSUBSCRIBE

Yes, it’s a meme. SO WHAT, SUE ME

5. Anything that posts for you through another app. I don’t care that you’ve been listening to Katy Perry on Spotify (wait a second, yes I do care- UNSUBSCRIBE BASED ON PRINCIPLE) or that you bought a cow on Farmville or that you posted some craft project that you’ll never do to Pinterest.  Cool story, bro.  UNSUBSCRIBE

OH KATY YOU ARE SO THOUGHT PROVOKING AND COMPLICATED, I WISH WE WERE BFFS

There are so many more. So many more that I can’t post and so much that I can’t go into without alienating most of the people that I know and, heaven forbid, decreasing my friend numbers on Facebook, which is the worst. The. Worst. WHAT?! I WENT FROM 867 TO 864 IN ONE NIGHT? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!?!?!?!

I know I’m part of the problem. CURSES ON YOUR FAMILY, ZUCKERBERG