avocadoexplosion!

if you don't like avocados, then you don't like life.

Go ahead and take my woman card now. It’s another post about how much I hate shopping. November 6, 2011

Sometimes in life, you have to shop for things.  And this pisses me off.  I think my woman card is about to be revoked because not only do I not like every John Cusack movie ever made- I also really hate shopping.  Hate.  It.  This does not mean I hate clothes.  This means I hate shopping.  Sometimes for the band’s shows I have to go shopping for clothes so that I don’t wear my pajamas on stage because literally that is all I wear anymore now that I work from home.  I said it would be so, and it is so.  I have made friends of mine go shopping with me, and I don’t know why they’re still my friends.  I know how frustrating it must be to go in a store and have someone say UGH to everything you show them.  Here are the reasons shopping sucks:

1. I am by far the pickiest person I know when it comes to clothing.  Whatever I wear has to fit me exactly right – not too tight, not too loose, not too short, not too long – and be something that defines me in terms of my own personal style, which sounds really stupid when I actually say it out loud. WHATEVER.  When you put that much pressure on yourself, shopping becomes a torture only rivaled by watching a Limp Bizkit video while eating pig tongues and being submitted to boyfriend farts under the covers.  Guh.  Gaaaaaag.

Which is why I never buy anything and wear pajamas most of the time.

2. I have expensive taste.  The other day, I saw a freaking awesome jacket in the window of the new Free People store at our mall, and I went in to try it on.  Fortunately, it was too small, and I say fortunately because this is the jacket itself:

WHICH COSTS $698.00. WTF. WTFWTFWTFWTFWTF.

Ok no jacket should cost that much, ever.  Unless it was made for the Queen herself by magical elves.

Here’s another WTF:

The name of this jacket is "Embellished Vegan Leather Jacket". Vegan leather???? I'm sorry??? I must have missed something. Is this like Tofurkey? Or maybe more like Pullups...the diaper that isn't a diaper. The leather that isn't a leather.

But seriously, everything that I ever see is like a bagrillion dollars and it makes me cry a little bit every night into my pillow to think about it.  It’s like having dated Johnny Depp and it didn’t work out and now you’re seeing Phillip Seymour Hoffman because he’s the only thing that you can afford wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Which is why I never buy anything.

3. EVERYTHING SUCKS.  No seriously?  Everything in stores sucks right now.  Also, it’s not like I live in a town without a good mall.  We have a bunch of stores, including high-end ones.  For some reason, everything still sucks a big pile of disembodied asses.  Like this spawn directly from the bowels of Satan himself:

Excuse me I think your vagina put an ad on your stomach saying open for business

And then it looks like you had a fart cloud the size of the atomic bomb that destroyed all life and hope.

Honestly, I did not look for this dress for a long time.  I went to Urban Outfitters, clicked on “dresses”, and it was in the first 4 dresses on the page.  I’m sure there are many dresses that look worse than this that I could have found just by scrolling through one more awful page, but WE HAVE NO TIME.  WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS NOW, PEOPLE.  Or else we’ll be forced to wear these dresses by aliens when they take over the earth.

I mean, even home decoration stuff sucks right now.  I usually love Anthropologie more than I love my own mother (that’s mean, forget I said that), and I am in the market for a new duvet cover/comforter thingy this year.  So I went to Anthropologie, and the best thing I saw was this:

Which looks like Monet threw up on a comforter.  Holy mother of God.  I would buy this if I didn’t think Riley would slaughter me in my sleep and that nobody would find out because the blood and body parts would just blend in with everything else.

Then I went and looked at Pottery Barn.  It looked like the paisley/floral/monogram monster had come and taken a huge shit all over every bed in the place.

RAHHHH WE LOVE PAISLEY IT REMINDS US OF GRANDMA

RAHHHH WE LOVE FLOWERS THEY ALSO REMIND US OF GRANDMA

RAHHHH WE LOVE MONOGRAMS IT MEANS PREPPY GIRLS ARE NEARBY AND WE LIKE TO EAT THEM FOR DINNER

NUMBER FOUR.  Here is the real reason that shopping sucks for me.  I have no patience.  NONE.  Online shopping is actually really easy for me because if I don’t like something, I can just click on another link.  However, if I am actually in the mall, I have to walk my ass into the store, pretend like I’m interested in something so as not to hurt people’s feelings even though within the first 5 seconds of being there I can usually tell that I hate or love everything, and then do the same for every damn store in the mall.  Riley is always like but how do you even know, you look through the store in like 3.5808329 minutes and that is not even enough time to figure out if you like something or not.  But I know.  BECAUSE I HAVE EYES, OK.

Also, I would like to state for the record that my boyfriend is obviously a woman by the amount of time he spends in stores when we are shopping compared to the time that I spend in stores.  He’s like, oh this would look so sexy on you, just try it on.  I’m like no that looks like an egg fart.  He’s like JUST DO IT AND SHUT UP GOD YOU ARE NO FUN TO SHOP WITH and I’m like well maybe you are a woman and you should go shopping with my friends and I can stay home and do something productive in life.

Which brings me to things I would rather do than shop.

1. Drink wine.

2. Do my actual job.

3. Eat glass.

4. Eat a muffin made of glass and nails.

5. Listen to Limp Bizkit on repeat for one day.

6. Listen to Nickelback have sex with Creed and Limp Bizkit for 3.5808329 minutes.

7. Be forcefed muffins made of glass and nails by zombies who are also fans of Nickelback, Creed, and Limp Bizkit and then be eaten by said zombies.

I’ve been having a lot of zombie dreams lately because of The Walking Dead.  You know what’s weird is that they’re really not very scary dreams.  The zombies are just kind of there, hanging out.  And in one of the dreams, I was having tea with a bunch of drag queens in my yard at exactly 7:20 pm.  Everyone knows that is three hours and 20 minutes too late to have tea, especially with drag queens.

 

Online shopping. I hate you. June 16, 2011

Filed under: humor — avocadoexplosion @ 9:29 am
Tags: , , ,

Ok I never EVER shop online, and I will tell you why right now.  It is because NOTHING EVER LOOKS IN REAL LIFE LIKE IT DOES ONLINE.  This is one of my cardinal life rules to follow.

NUMBER ONE. Never eat anything that falls on the sunroom floor because the sunroom is where the cats’ shitbox is and you will get shit in your food even if it is tiny microscopic.  And then you will die.

NUMBER TWO. Never tell anyone what you watch on TV at the gym because they will think you are a girly girl and will kick you for it (OK IT’S SEX AND THE CITY RERUNS AND ONE TIME I WATCHED AN E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY ON KATY PERRY BECAUSE I COULDN’T FIND ANYTHING ELSE ON BESIDES FOOD NETWORK AT 4 PM AND I CAN’T WATCH FOOD WHILE RUNNING DON’T JUDGE)

NUMBER THREE. NEVER BUY ANYTHING ONLINE BECAUSE IT WILL LOOK LIKE MONKEY SHIT AND A ROTTEN COCONUT WHEN YOU PUT IT ON YOUR BODY.

Recently, I violated rule number three thinking that I could somehow skirt around the terrible consequences that come with it.  NO.  I found this website a few weeks ago and was like asld;kfjasldifui yay fun clothes!!!  My birthday is in two weeks, so I thought it would be a nice birthday present to myself to get these:

Yes, I do always buy myself a birthday present for my birthday. I don't know why. Probably because it's an excuse to buy something. Whatever. You do the same thing. Don't judge.

I ordered them and anxiously awaited their arrival on my doorstep.  THESE WILL BE THE SHOES THAT SHOOT ME INTO SUPERSTARDOM, I thought.  Ok I didn’t really think that because we all know that shoes are incapable of making someone famous.  Unless of course, you are her:

It's like a glittery elephant had sex with a shoe and this is what came out. FABULOUUUUUUUS

I was actually at the office (I know, right…I work from home…it was an anomaly) the day that I got the email that my lovely superfantastical boots had arrived.  I rushed home, let the dog out of the crate, peed real fast, jerked open the front door, and delightedly ripped open the cardboard box that my boots were mailed in.  Seriously I was so excited that when I was ripping the damn thing open, it gave me a papercut.  Really.  Not kidding.  It’s a little pathetic.  I even got mad and was like JUST OPEN GODDAMMIT THERE’S NO TIME!!!!  THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

I opened them and was like…ok I think we can work with this.  Maybe.  Ok these look a little big.  I’ll just try them on just to see.  I tried them on and HOLY SHITBALLS BATMAN LOOK AT THE CALVES THEY ARE HUGE GAPING HOLES.

Ok so I know it's not that obvious in this really badly taken picture (THANKS A LOT RILEY) (KIDDING), but there is a 1.5-inch gap from my calf to where I'm pulling out the rest of the boot. THAT IS NOT RIGHT.

I don’t have gigantic calves.  I’ve been running a lot lately, but even then.  Even then do I not have calves that could literally stop up the trunk of a glittery elephant (that also has sex with shoes).  I could fit my dog and all three of the cats in one of these stupid boots.

DAMN YOU ONLINE SHOPPING!!!!(imagine me raising my fist to the heavens and shouting)!!!!  I thought I was safe with ordering shoes because A) they usually fit without you trying them on and B) let’s face it.  Women love shoe shopping because shoes are the one thing that don’t make women feel bad about their bodies.  That and jewelry, but many women seem to like shoes better for some odd reason.  Here’s what makes this even worse: I HATE HEELS.  I HATE THEM.  HATE THEM HATE THEM HATE THEM.  I used to have these shoes in 6th grade:

SEXAYYYYYYYY

I have been looking for shoes my whole life that are both fashionable (I realize now that silver Birkenstocks are not fashionable and claim no responsibility for my fashion choices before the year 2007) and comfortable but like actually comfortable not like hey these tiny heels are so comfortable to walk on THEY’RE NOT I KNOW THEY’RE NOT, DON’T LIE.  Do these mythical shoes exist?  DO THEY?!?!?!  I thought that maybe I could try to wear some heels that were also boots (which means my legs and feet wouldn’t be trying to fall out of them) and that had chunkier heels so that I wouldn’t look like a baby giraffe figuring out how to walk.  But no.  I was punished for my presumptuousness.

So then I got these instead:

These are like Poison had a baby with a shoe. Or like the 80s took a shit. Whatever.

And I wore them to our show last Thursday.  And that was a mistake.  I am already 5’8″ without help and with these, I’m more like 6 million feet of awkward bobbing and weaving.  People were like looook your shoes are so prettayyyyyy and I was like thaaaaanks I may soon die an awful death of shoe huuuuurt and sufferiiiiiiing.

This concludes this life lesson (really it’s for me, not you).  I realize that you probably can wear heels and you are probably really good at it, for which I commend you.  I, however, will be sticking to more “sensible” shoes, i.e., boring old-lady shoes.  Additionally, I will not be ordering anything online in the foreseeable future because MONKEYSHIT/ROTTENCOCONUTS AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT BITCHES.

SAS = SEXY ASS SHOES. if only.