I swear to GOD starting a blog post after 6 months of inactivity is the HARDEST. THING. ON. EARTH. Real talk: I was so freaked out about trying to write this post after being gone for so long that I filled up this ginormous wine glass with half a bottle of wine and am halfway through it and still on only the second sentence. AS;DJFA;LSKJDFKAHSDFLKJSDF
I am SO SICK OF TURKEY RIGHT NOW. But I’m not sick of this picture. But Thanksgiving can still suck it.
I ate so damn much turkey and gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce and things that were beige and brown and not really green at all for like 4 days straight and I’m pretty sure I gained 15 pounds. Or 3. I FEEL DISGUSTING. SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THE TIRE MADE OF FAT THAT IS AROUND MY BODY RIGHT NOW. MY CHEEKS (BOTH OF FACE AND ASS ILK) FEEL LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES.
My band has been working our (now fat and bloated) asses off to get ready for our album release in 2013, so there has been no exercising of any sort except maybe once a week because SERIOUSLY I SIT IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER CONSTANTLY. Quads, people. I had quads not even two months ago. Now they’re like tiny little pretzel sticks with jelly on them. Blubblelubblelubble. Heeeelp meeeee they say. Pleeeeeease I feel so weak and uggo, I want to be strong again.
SAD FACE FOR MUSCLE LOSS
Here’s one plus: IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS YAYYYYYY. Which, as you know, is my favorite time of the year.
And now, for your general pleasure. A list of the 10 best Christmas prezzies of 2012. “Best” being a totally relative term.
10. PLASTIC POOP WITH A CHRISTMAS HAT
Who thinks this would be funny to get on Christmas morning? No wait- who thinks of this and is like THIS IS A GREAT IDEA, MANAGEMENT WILL LOVE IT! And then management DOES love it and real money is spent on it. This makes me hate humanity.
9. TICKETS TO BREAKING DAWN PART 2
For the people you really hate. I mean really hate. Or your teenage nieces, who are arguably not people, but maybe you also hate them. Let’s take a moment to appreciate the expert Photoshop work here.
8. DOG CHRISTMAS COSTUMES
Obviously someone has too much time on their hands and doesn’t have children. I would consider getting these for Charlie if I wasn’t as busy as I am.
7. THIS MAN
6. ANYTHING KNITTED OR CROCHETED
5. THE NO-TOUCH PET PETTER
4. A BANANA GUARD
3. EXERCISE VIDEOS
Unless someone asks for it, don’t do it. Just don’t. Unless of course you want to lose that person as a friend forever. Exercise clothes, however, are fine, because they can double as pajama pants a.k.a. work from home “office clothes”.
I found the perfect Christmas present for all my drunk friends who like to travel (I’m looking at you, Emily) as well as myself.
How genius is this? Emily and I always put our wine in bobo travel mugs when we’re walking the dogs…now we can be classy about it and people will be able to SEE what we’re drinking rather than guessing from the red wine mouth we’re sporting. No I actually will be getting these for you for Christmas, Emily. I’m not kidding.
1. YOKO ONO’S NEW CLOTHING LINE
She based this on some drawings she made as a wedding present for John, allegedly. I know I want to see all the men in my life wearing CUTOUT ASS PANTS