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The 10 best Christmas presents of 2012. By best, I mean worst. November 30, 2012

I swear to GOD starting a blog post after 6 months of inactivity is the HARDEST. THING. ON. EARTH. Real talk: I was so freaked out about trying to write this post after being gone for so long that I filled up this ginormous wine glass with half a bottle of wine and am halfway through it and still on only the second sentence. AS;DJFA;LSKJDFKAHSDFLKJSDF

I am SO SICK OF TURKEY RIGHT NOW. But I’m not sick of this picture. But Thanksgiving can still suck it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y’ALL

I ate so damn much turkey and gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce and things that were beige and brown and not really green at all for like 4 days straight and I’m pretty sure I gained 15 pounds. Or 3. I FEEL DISGUSTING. SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THE TIRE MADE OF FAT THAT IS AROUND MY BODY RIGHT NOW. MY CHEEKS (BOTH OF FACE AND ASS ILK) FEEL LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES.

My band has been working our (now fat and bloated) asses off to get ready for our album release in 2013, so there has been no exercising of any sort except maybe once a week because SERIOUSLY I SIT IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER CONSTANTLY. Quads, people. I had quads not even two months ago. Now they’re like tiny little pretzel sticks with jelly on them. Blubblelubblelubble. Heeeelp meeeee they say. Pleeeeeease I feel so weak and uggo, I want to be strong again.

SAD FACE FOR MUSCLE LOSS

Here’s one plus: IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS YAYYYYYY. Which, as you know, is my favorite time of the year.

And now, for your general pleasure. A list of the 10 best Christmas prezzies of 2012. “Best” being a totally relative term.

10. PLASTIC POOP WITH A CHRISTMAS HAT

PEUP

Who thinks this would be funny to get on Christmas morning? No wait- who thinks of this and is like THIS IS A GREAT IDEA, MANAGEMENT WILL LOVE IT! And then management DOES love it and real money is spent on it. This makes me hate humanity.

9. TICKETS TO BREAKING DAWN PART 2

For the people you really hate. I mean really hate. Or your teenage nieces, who are arguably not people, but maybe you also hate them. Let’s take a moment to appreciate the expert Photoshop work here.

8. DOG CHRISTMAS COSTUMES

Obviously someone has too much time on their hands and doesn’t have children. I would consider getting these for Charlie if I wasn’t as busy as I am.

7. THIS MAN

Oh good god.

6. ANYTHING KNITTED OR CROCHETED

5. THE NO-TOUCH PET PETTER

Now you don’t have to touch those filthy animals you dress up in Christmas costumes.

4. A BANANA GUARD

Because the banana’s skin isn’t good enough.

3. EXERCISE VIDEOS

Unless someone asks for it, don’t do it. Just don’t. Unless of course you want to lose that person as a friend forever. Exercise clothes, however, are fine, because they can double as pajama pants a.k.a. work from home “office clothes”.

2. VINO2GO

I found the perfect Christmas present for all my drunk friends who like to travel (I’m looking at you, Emily) as well as myself.

How genius is this? Emily and I always put our wine in bobo travel mugs when we’re walking the dogs…now we can be classy about it and people will be able to SEE what we’re drinking rather than guessing from the red wine mouth we’re sporting. No I actually will be getting these for you for Christmas, Emily. I’m not kidding.

1. YOKO ONO’S NEW CLOTHING LINE

She based this on some drawings she made as a wedding present for John, allegedly. I know I want to see all the men in my life wearing CUTOUT ASS PANTS

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y’ALL

 

Waffle Day 2010. March 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — avocadoexplosion @ 8:41 pm
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First off, I have to tell you that I just peed twice in 10 minutes. Not only do I have the smallest bladder of anyone I know, my drinking habits are similar to other people’s breathing habits. If I don’t drink things on a pretty constant basis, I start to feel like a prune or a dried apricot or one of those pieces of petrified poop that I found behind one of my plants the other day when I moved it because Buckley is really fond of pooping in all the plants and misses sometimes. This doesn’t make me happy to find poop in or around my plants, but there’s really nothing I can do because Buckley does what she wants and doesn’t give a damn what I think about it. The other day I even saw her scooting her butt across the carpet like dogs do sometimes. She is poop-obsessed and it. is. gross.

she's thinking about where she's going to take her next dump. sneaky kitten.

Secondly, I like to append “2010” onto the end of events to make them seem more important. For example, this weekend Riley and I had Waffle Day 2010, wherein we (by we I mean Riley) made a bunch of delicious waffles and then we ate them and drank 5 bajillion cups of coffee and ate about a pound of bacon and then fell asleep for a whole three hours like five-year-olds. I guess it was the enormous amounts of syrup that did us in.

The good news is, after Saturday’s Sleepfest 2010 (you see what I did there?), Riley and I got a lot of work done on some songs and things seem to be coming together as far as the bandy band goes. This is usually the time of year I start to get really clogged up in the sinus department and can’t breathe much less sing, but miraculously, I’ve managed to avoid that so far this year. The rock gods must be smiling upon me, or at least yelling good-natured obscenities in my direction.  Maybe they’re even waving the finger at me…if I’m lucky.

I have to pee again. It’s like this is Peefest 2010 but that already happened back in January, duh. You can’t have two events in the same year with the same name. Don’t you know ANYTHING?

yayyyyy i pooped in another plant yayyyyyy i will never use your stupid litterbox ever yayyyyy

 

There’s cat poop in my bathtub, and I don’t know what to do about it. February 2, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — avocadoexplosion @ 7:55 pm
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Two things:

1. When I woke up this morning, my hair looked like this:

2. My eyes are astonishingly bad, so when I went to take a shower, I definitely thought one of the cats had pooped in the tub before I put my glasses on to check.  They do some inappropriate things, but they don’t usually poop outside of their catbox.  Turned out to be a piece of bark from one of my potted plants.  Strangely enough, Buckley likes to poop in that particular plant- this is the exception to the no pooping outside the box rule.  Coincidence?  Whatever.

If you haven’t heard by now, forming a band that’s worth anything is hard.  I posted an ad on craigslist two weeks ago for a bassist and drummer and have had one response from a bassist and three from drummers.  Here’s part of one email:

“uhh…i have my own transportation, i like to drink and party..theres a time and place for everything like practice and partying.”

You’re right, my little bassist friend.  There’s also a time and place for stating such things.  It’s usually not in emails to potential band members you’ve never met.  Also why was transportation immediately followed by drinking?  This worries me, especially if you ever drive my equipment around to shows.  If you even think about touching my Korg, I will preemptively cut your fingers off and you’ll never play bass again.  I am not joking, mister.

A very frustrating part of band/record-making is that GOOD GOD IT TAKES FOREVER.  I mean who knew?  Ok probably a lot of people knew.  I didn’t know.  But now I do know, and it makes me want to pull my hair out.  I have guitar tracks that have to be redone once we get a drummer, bass tracks laid down by my guitarist, and no master vocals on anything except one song.  AGHHHHHH.  HURRY UP!!!!!!!!!!!

HEY.  Do you want to see some pictures from the studio?  I knew you did.  These were taken at Revival Studio in Pittsboro, owned by David Kovach.  That’s Riley in the pictures.  He’s a guitarist.  You might be able to tell by the guitar he’s holding.  If not, you are probably stupid and we can’t be friends.  I know you’re disappointed, but you’ll get over it with the help of a few Lifetime movies and half-gallon tubs of chocolate chip cookie dough.  I bet you watch Oprah, don’t you?  Philistine.