if you don't like avocados, then you don't like life.

ME AND SPORTS. NOT FRIENDS. November 29, 2011

Filed under: humor,life — avocadoexplosion @ 10:08 pm
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A few weekends ago, I *tried* to run my first half marathon ever.  I say “tried” because I didn’t actually run the whole thing.  Not because I didn’t want to…because my knee is a big fat whiny baby.  I had been having trouble with it before the race and thought that maybe a magical fairy of healing would visit me in my sleep and make my knee better but in fact no, this did not happen.  I ended up being able to run 5 miles before the pain got so bad that I had to stop and limp for a while.  I walked the last 8 miles of the damn thing and by the way walking 8 miles is REALLY EFFING BORING.  What’s worse is that I had to speed walk it.  I mean I would have finished at 11 pm if I hadn’t.  Let me tell you how much I despise speed walking.  I kept thinking to myself, god I look like a 50-year-old mall walker except I’m not wearing swooshy windpants.


And then I walked around like I had a peg leg for two entire weeks.  I couldn’t straighten my leg at all or walk down stairs in a non-embarrassing way.  The moral of this story, children, is that you should make sure you are well trained if you are stupid enough to sign up for a 13-mile-or-longer race.

More athletic than me. True story.

However, I did get to stuff myself with all manner of unhealthy ingredients the day before, all in the name of running.  Doughnuts, crab legs, pasta, ice cream, etc. etc. etc.  By the end of the day I was actually really sick of eating crap and was ready to have a salad but I was like NO YOU CAN’T BREAK NOW, YOU’LL LOSE EVERYTHING YOU’VE WORKED FOR, THINK OF THE CHILDREN.  I don’t know what children I was talking about.  In retrospect, I think I just made myself kind of fat for the weekend but whatever.

I have never been particularly athletic.  And when I say “particularly,” I mean “not at all.”  My mom and dad put me in like every single sport available when I was a kid, and I sucked ass at all of them.  Here is a list of the sports and physical activities I did during my youth, in chronological order:

  • tee ball
  • gymnastics
  • ballet
  • tap dance
  • tennis
  • swimming
  • softball
  • track
  • cheerleading
  • basketball
  • soccer

Here is a list of the sports and physical activities I was good at during my youth:

You’ll see that there are in fact no activities listed here because I was terrible at all of them.  One time during PE when we were playing basketball, everyone was on one side of the court because we had switched sides at that point in the game, which I didn’t quite absorb until too late, and I was like guys, we’re over here.  Guys.  Ok I’ll just go make a basket now.  FOR THE OTHER TEAM.

Oh god. The shame.

I just was thinking about all of this because of the race and my peg leg and because I’m watching TV tonight and, as usual, there is nothing on.  I just watched American Bobo Story because I’m bored as shit and was then flipping through the channels coming up with nothing and decided oh hey maybe I should watch Black Swan for the seventy gajillionth time.  And then I was like oh hey she’s putting on her toe shoes and then I was like GOD I NEVER MADE IT TO TOE SHOES IN BALLET BECAUSE I SUCKED SO BAD.  Seriously I did ballet from age 3-13 and really?  You’d think someone would get farther than I did.  You would think that.  But you would be wrong.


meatloaf makes me weepy. May 3, 2010

Filed under: humor — avocadoexplosion @ 9:14 pm
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There’s shame, and then there’s SHAME.

Once during that time of the month, I cried at this:

I remember laughing at myself afterwards. I was like, oh, self, you so cray cray. I can’t believe you just cried over It’s All Coming Back To Me Now, even if it wasn’t the Celine Dion version which does not rock at all but was instead the Meatloaf version who we all know you love although it’s a bit shameful to love him due to the whole melodramatic theatrical rock opera thing (YES I LOVE ROCK OPERAS THERE I SAID IT DON’T JUDGE ME OR I WILL KILL YOU IN THE FACE).

But I’ve always thought Meatloaf had it right.  Two out of three AIN’T bad.  DANG.  Tell me that isn’t true.

The next second after I had recovered from CryFest 2006, a Nationwide insurance commercial came on where someone’s home had been destroyed by a hurricane.

Yes, I cried again. I’m pretty sure I lost at the two out of three game.  Sometimes I hate being a woman.

That was going to be the end of this post BUT:

GOD SERIOUSLY I JUST WATCHED THAT VIDEO ON THE BLOG TO MAKE SURE IT WORKED (it doesn’t, go to YouTube and watch it) AND I GOT A TINY BABY BIT WEEPY AGAIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.  It was only one tear, I swear.  Like one single tear, rolling down my face in a really melodramatic way that would make Meatloaf proud.  Maybe one day he will read this and we will watch It’s All Coming Back to Me Now and cry together at how sad it is that he lost Marion Raven to a car crash because she is so young and beautiful and Norwegian and her last name is Raven which is really cool I bet she made it up (Raven doesn’t seem Norwegian at all) but that doesn’t detract from the coolness and she died so young and that makes it really sad cause it’s sadder when pretty people die young.  Like Kurt Cobain.

Maybe dirty. Still pretty.

One word, Kurt: why?