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if you don't like avocados, then you don't like life.

The 10 best Christmas presents of 2012. By best, I mean worst. November 30, 2012

I swear to GOD starting a blog post after 6 months of inactivity is the HARDEST. THING. ON. EARTH. Real talk: I was so freaked out about trying to write this post after being gone for so long that I filled up this ginormous wine glass with half a bottle of wine and am halfway through it and still on only the second sentence. AS;DJFA;LSKJDFKAHSDFLKJSDF

I am SO SICK OF TURKEY RIGHT NOW. But I’m not sick of this picture. But Thanksgiving can still suck it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y’ALL

I ate so damn much turkey and gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce and things that were beige and brown and not really green at all for like 4 days straight and I’m pretty sure I gained 15 pounds. Or 3. I FEEL DISGUSTING. SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THE TIRE MADE OF FAT THAT IS AROUND MY BODY RIGHT NOW. MY CHEEKS (BOTH OF FACE AND ASS ILK) FEEL LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES.

My band has been working our (now fat and bloated) asses off to get ready for our album release in 2013, so there has been no exercising of any sort except maybe once a week because SERIOUSLY I SIT IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER CONSTANTLY. Quads, people. I had quads not even two months ago. Now they’re like tiny little pretzel sticks with jelly on them. Blubblelubblelubble. Heeeelp meeeee they say. Pleeeeeease I feel so weak and uggo, I want to be strong again.

SAD FACE FOR MUSCLE LOSS

Here’s one plus: IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS YAYYYYYY. Which, as you know, is my favorite time of the year.

And now, for your general pleasure. A list of the 10 best Christmas prezzies of 2012. “Best” being a totally relative term.

10. PLASTIC POOP WITH A CHRISTMAS HAT

PEUP

Who thinks this would be funny to get on Christmas morning? No wait- who thinks of this and is like THIS IS A GREAT IDEA, MANAGEMENT WILL LOVE IT! And then management DOES love it and real money is spent on it. This makes me hate humanity.

9. TICKETS TO BREAKING DAWN PART 2

For the people you really hate. I mean really hate. Or your teenage nieces, who are arguably not people, but maybe you also hate them. Let’s take a moment to appreciate the expert Photoshop work here.

8. DOG CHRISTMAS COSTUMES

Obviously someone has too much time on their hands and doesn’t have children. I would consider getting these for Charlie if I wasn’t as busy as I am.

7. THIS MAN

Oh good god.

6. ANYTHING KNITTED OR CROCHETED

5. THE NO-TOUCH PET PETTER

Now you don’t have to touch those filthy animals you dress up in Christmas costumes.

4. A BANANA GUARD

Because the banana’s skin isn’t good enough.

3. EXERCISE VIDEOS

Unless someone asks for it, don’t do it. Just don’t. Unless of course you want to lose that person as a friend forever. Exercise clothes, however, are fine, because they can double as pajama pants a.k.a. work from home “office clothes”.

2. VINO2GO

I found the perfect Christmas present for all my drunk friends who like to travel (I’m looking at you, Emily) as well as myself.

How genius is this? Emily and I always put our wine in bobo travel mugs when we’re walking the dogs…now we can be classy about it and people will be able to SEE what we’re drinking rather than guessing from the red wine mouth we’re sporting. No I actually will be getting these for you for Christmas, Emily. I’m not kidding.

1. YOKO ONO’S NEW CLOTHING LINE

She based this on some drawings she made as a wedding present for John, allegedly. I know I want to see all the men in my life wearing CUTOUT ASS PANTS

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y’ALL

 

SUMMER, YOU SUCK June 7, 2012

Filed under: humor,life — avocadoexplosion @ 11:50 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Yeah, I know I haven’t posted since December.  SHUT UP, YOU’RE STUPID.

I have something to say.  I have lived in the South for like, oh wait, all my life, and you would think that by now I’d be used to the climate.  NO.  Every year, it keeps getting hotter and hotter because of the global warming and us getting closer to Satan’s asshole, and I keep getting more and more pissed off, and my hair keeps getting flatter and flatter.

WELCOME TO HEEEELLLLLLLLL. Conveniently located in North Carolina!

I remember when I was a kid, living in the middle of North Carolina, being pissed off at 10 years old (hard to believe, right) about how stupidly hot and humid it was in stupid hot North Carolina.  Because I’m an only child and entertained myself by talking to myself most of the time, I’d go outside and wander around in the woods behind my house and pretend like I was lost in a magical fairy land (SHUT UP. I WAS 10. OK THIS WAS LAST YEAR).  And then I’d go jump on the trampoline and slowly get pissed pissed PISSED because it was summer and there were stupid summer flies buzzing around above the trampoline and it was so hooooooooot.  One time I was playing softball in the summer and got so hot that I passed out and my mom and dad had to carry me to the car and then on the way home I puked at the bottom of our driveway and our dog ate it.

Here is what people say is good about summer:

  • the beach
  • the pool
  • ??????

Is there anything else that people think is good about summer? I don’t even like water except for to drink (we’ve discussed my aversion to showers) so when people say HEY LET’S GO TO THE POOL I’m like, submersing myself in water voluntarily sounds like the most unnatural thing ever and then when they say LET’S GO TO THE BEACH! I’m like, bitches, I lived in Myrtle Beach since I was 13 and it’s not a vacation for me. It’s just a place where you go to get sand up your asscrack and really small sharks preserved in formaldehyde and hermit crabs and shirts that are made to look like you are wearing a bikini.

Are you actually trying to look sexy in that bikini shirt? You know that’s a joke, right?

Somehow better than the first one. Marginally, but better.

And this one just leaves me speechless.

You really can’t do anything outside in the summer except for sit in one place and think about the sweat dripping down your back and legs and how uncomfortable you are. So if you are like me, you spend the entire summer inside in wintry conditions because apparently, in the South, people think that to counteract the effects of the heat outside, we need to have our buildings at -50°. And then in September, you emerge from your air-conditioned sanctuary and people can see through you because you are so incredibly pale and your skin sparkles like a Twilight vampire and you think YESSSSS I HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF IMMORTALITY

Oh hay sparkle skin. You been playing video games all summer like me? I knew we were meant to be together forever.

Laying out…ugh. There was literally never a worse activity than laying out. Hey I know, let’s lay in the blistering sun for hours and hours and hours and try to read our dumb summer romance novels but oh wait, I can’t read them because IT’S TOO DAMN BRIGHT OUT HERE WHAT WITH THE SUN ONLY 15 FEET AWAY FROM THE EARTH.

I SAW FIFTY SHADES OF GREY ON YOUR KINDLE! DON’T LIE TO ME, WOMAN!

How much of an insult is it that my birthday is smack in the middle of summer? Great, another pool party. SO EXCITING FOR ME. YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE POOLS, MOM. I’m changing my birthday so that it falls in October rather than June because really, this shit is ridiculous.

SPECIAL SUMMER BIRTHDAY TREAT

Speaking of birthdays, I’m having one soon and am telling everyone who comes to my party to bring a cake with them.  CAKE DAY FOREVER